This week's Master Tape Theatre was a replay of the July 15, 1999 Howard Stern Show. This show was in my archives but I've added a few more details. The original write up from 1999 is below this one.
Show opening bits and songs included: James Taylor performing a cover of ''Woodstock'' live in Howard's studio, a Howard Stern theme song.Howard took a phone call from this guy Robert first thing this morning. Robert is a 6th grade math teacher from Miami who said he's been listening to Howard for a little while and thinks that Howard spews hatred toward women on every show.
Howard told Robert that this was crazy after Robert told him how demeaning he is toward women. Howard didn't know what he was talking about. The guy said that he was being disgusting to women and he doesn't understand it. Howard wondered why he listens, he figured he was just a dope.
Howard said he doesn't get why he'd listen to a show that he thinks hates women if he's so upset with it. Howard tried to find out what he teaches. He wasn't listening so Howard said that's why school sucks these days. Howard said that he gets suspicious when he hears that a man is teaching sixth grade.
Robert said that his group there is like a fraternity. He said that they're very immature and also said that what they do is the same type of thing that leads to what happened in Colorado.
Howard asked the guy why he listens. Robert said he was trying to figure out what the children he teaches are relating to. Howard asked what time school starts because he didn't think that any kids are listening to this show. The guy said that they start at 9 o'clock. Howard said that's bull and no school starts at 9 o'clock. Howard said that this show is too boring for 6th graders.
Howard said that this guy is a suck ass teacher and incompetent. The guy continued to go off on Howard saying that he doesn't see what's wrong with his show. Howard said that this guy is a jerk and just like a lot of people who want to blame his show for the things that are wrong in this world even though they've got many other problems.
Howard kept asking the guy why he listens but his answer was different every time. Howard found out the guy is gay so he called him an angry old queen and said that he's very angry about that and that's the kind of anger he probably shows to his classes.
Robert asked Howard if he would be upset if his daughter had that ''What a piece of ass'' clip every time she walked in a room. Howard said he wouldn't have a problem with it. He told the guy he had to get going but ended up staying on the phone and let some other people talk to him. One guy said that they should turn in this pedophile. Robert said he's not one and he's taught for 20 years and he doesn't do anything with his students. Howard said that there's no way he's a good teacher.
Howard asked Robert if he'd be willing to take a lie detector test to find out if he's ever been attracted to his kids. He said he would do that because he's never been attracted to them.
Howard said that this guy should be open to all kinds of sexuality because he's probably gone to glory holes and stuff like that. He took another call from a teacher who said he was ashamed to be in the same profession as this guy. He wondered why he's not trying to better himself instead of worrying about Howard. Robert said that he's teaching this summer, he's not just listening to Howard.
Howard said that Robert is sitting around worrying about his show when there are many other things out there that are causing problems. Robert said he's not the only problem, he's just one problem that he can get a hold of. He said that Howard hates women and that's why he treats them the way he does. Howard said that he actually loves women but this guy Robert hates them so much he won't even date them because he's gay.
Howard said he figured that this guy doesn't do anything with the kids at his school at all, other than tutoring young boys. He asked him if he does that. Robert said that he doesn't do that. He doesn't charge anyone, he just helps.
Howard had to hit the delay on Robert because he used the F-word talking to the other guy on the line. Howard said that he's a disgrace to the teaching profession and his school would get rid of him if they knew what he was doing and if he wasn't tenured there.
Howard said that if this guy put in as much time and effort into helping his kids instead of worrying about him, he'd probably be able to fix the world. Howard wanted to talk to his lover after Robert mentioned him. That didn't happen though.
Robert asked how Howard was able to get through high school with his lack of math knowledge. Howard said that he's doing just fine for someone who can't do math. He also said that this old, lonely queen is so lonely that he wants him in his life so badly that he calls the show to complain about him. He said that the guy is a maniac.
Howard said that Robert is more in love with him than he is with his own lover. Robert said that he's trying to figure out why his students are so fascinated with Howard's show and that's the only reason he's listening.
Howard said he had to get going so he could do some commercials but Robert kept going with his problems. The other teacher was also going off on Robert saying that he doesn't agree with Robert's comments about Howard. He said that Howard makes him laugh at himself and society and that's why he likes him so much.
Howard asked some math questions to Robert like ''How many K-Y jelly containers are in a gross?'' and ''How many times a week do you go into your lover?'' Robert wasn't answering.
Howard said that this guy Robert is not a good teacher and he's pretty sure that if he looked up his record, the school would want to get rid of him. Howard took a couple of calls from fans who were pissed off at this guy. One guy said that Robert sounds like his kid's teacher and if it is, he's going to beat the crap out of him.
Howard asked Robert if he dresses up in women's clothes. Robert said he doesn't do that so Howard figured he was lying there too. He took another call a short time later and a guy claimed he was a student and Robert tried to put his finger in him. Howard said that was far enough and he couldn't get more detailed. The guy said he'd strangle the guy if he was standing next to him again. He can't believe that he's still in the system and people are so blind to what he does.
Robert asked where this army of people comes from and how he has so many followers. Howard said that what he does is not a problem. Robert was blaming Howard for people who stutter not being able to get over their stutters and move on with their life. Howard said that he employs stutterers so he's not sure what the problem is. He's accepting of them and doesn't turn them away. Howard wrapped up with Robert and went to commercial break a short time later.
After the break Howard talked about Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani's run for Senate and how he's pro-Giuliani but not that against Clinton. He and the guys talked about something that was going on with Clinton after she said something that got her into trouble. It turns out it happened 5 years ago. Howard said he was too lazy to read the article so he didn't even want to know. Stuttering John was the one who said it was this certain comment that got her into trouble but it turns out it was something else she'd said just recently.
Howard read some other news about Jesse Ventura as well. He found a story about him getting back into the wrestling field after being elected governor of Minnesota. Some people in Minnesota are upset with him going back to wrestling after becoming governor and saying he wasn't in it for the money.
Howard said he was reading about this Oprah book club she has on her TV show. Howard said that he sees these women who watch her show are going out and buying the books. He said that all of the fat chicks watching her show are sitting around and writing in their personal journals. He said that misery loves company... and Oprah.
Howard said that Oprah has congratulated herself on this book club thing a lot. The other day he read that the women in the club are upset that the selection of books is getting to be very dark and depressing. Howard said that if they're that upset they should go out and buy their own books. No one is saying that they have to read these books in the club. He said they have to be nuts.
Howard said he was watching VH-1 and said that they're doing a great job with their programming. He said they have some good specials about old rock stars and stuff. He said they did a special on the old Studio 54 which was a dance club in the city. To get in was really hard and the people had to be really special and/or famous to get in. He said that the doorman who used to regulate who got in was talking about what he did. He said he apologized for not letting some people in. He said the guy offered an apology but he's thinking that he didn't have to do that, it was just a club. The guy was thinking it was more important to people than it actually was.
Howard said he got into the club because he was a program director at the time. He said he went in and saw nothing and didn't have anyone come up to him asking to have sex or anything like that. He wouldn't even dance because he knows he would be the one who was looked at as the ''spaz'' of the club. He thinks that maybe he was in Studio 55 or something.
Howard said he probably should have been on the line with the rejects anyway. He didn't have the right clothes and he was probably wearing painter's pants or something.
Howard talked about this lawyer they have calling in today to talk about being in p*rn. They also have Houston and Brad coming in to talk about their date. Comedian Chris Rock will also be in. Howard played some of his stand-up comedy from his HBO special.
Howard said that he got a call from Joey Ramone from The Ramones. Joey wants to come on the show alone to plug this Ramones Anthology album that they're releasing. He refuses to appear with Marky Ramone because they don't get along. Howard said he wanted to call Joey and talk to him about that. Gary said that he's listened to the old tapes of the old interviews where the two of them argue about stuff and they're really great arguments. Fred was doing an impression of him and goofing on him a little bit.
Howard said he could listen to Joey and Marky going off on each other for hours. He was doing an impression of him as well. He said he's also noticed that Joey has a second set of teeth on the bottom of his jaw and he's always wanted to ask him about it. He never has though. Robin said he has to be mistaken about that.
Howard and Fred had some fun goofing on Joey for a few minutes before Gary came back in and said he had him on the phone. Joey had just woken up so he was kind of out of it. Howard got Joey on the line a few seconds later and he sounded just like Fred doing the impression.
Joey said that he really doesn't want to come on the show with Marky. He said he put a lot of thought into it and he just can't do it. Howard said he has to put his foot down and say that he and Marky have to come on the show to do this promotion. Howard told him that he and Marky are great when they're on together. Joey said that maybe he'll decide to do it. He told him that maybe next Tuesday they'll come in. Howard said that it's up to him but he wants Marky in there too.
Joey said that he and Marky used to be friends at one time but they fought after he didn't want to go to South America one time. He said that's what did it. Gary had some quotes from Joey where he called Marky out on his alcoholism but Marky said he hadn't had a drink in 10 years. Joey then called him a ''dry drunk.''
Howard said that Marky will show up no matter what so they don't have to beg him to come in. Joey said that Marky is a loser and he'll come in. He's not doing anything else. Howard let Joey go after that.
A caller asked Howard how Hank the Dwarf is doing after his seizures a few weeks ago. Howard said that Hank's manager, Doug Goodstein, said that Hank is home and doing fine. Doug gave Hank the month off from doing appearances so he could recuperate. Doug told Howard that Hank could be back on the show sometime in the near future. They played Joey Ramone's infamous voice mail message as they were going to break.
After the break Howard took a call from a guy who said he went to see ''Eyes Wide Shut'' and he was nodding off during the movie. He said it's not worth what they're pumping it up for. KC said that Stephen Baldwin wants to talk about it later on when he calls in. Howard said he was talking to some guy who was associated with that movie and he was told it was a great movie.
Howard said he was hoping that the movie was no good. The caller said that the movie was overbooked as well. He was going on and on about that so Howard had to cut him off. He brought in Susan Selles a short time later.
This corporate lawyer from Florida, Susan Selles, came in to promote her p*rn movie ''Jurist Erotic'' this morning. When she came in she stunk of a perfume so bad that Howard ranted about it for at least 5 minutes. He said it was a horrible product and didn't know why she wore so much of it. It was so strong that it followed KC into the studio earlier when he came in after shaking her hand. Howard said that maybe it's just the way it mixes with her. She wasn't able to smell it so she didn't know it was that bad. Susan said she'd stop using it after today.
Susan explained to Howard how she went to law school and got to be a lawyer and eventually a p*rn actress. She's a corporate lawyer and when she went to work for Atlantic Worldwide they asked her to appear in a p*rn flick. She agreed and made the movie. She claims that she did some go-go dancing while going through college but she hadn't done p*rn before. She has had a lot of lesbian experiences since the age of 10 though.
Howard got her to tell her stories of lesbianism for everyone. She started at 10 with a schoolmate. She said she and the other girl kissed and touched each other but it ended there. By 15 she was having full blown lesbian sex and actually got caught by her mother while handcuffed in her bed! She told Howard she didn't sleep with a man until she was 21. She claims to be bi-sexual but when Howard heard she didn't sleep with a man until 21, he figured she's full blown lesbo. He wrapped up after a short time and then went to break.
After an edited out break Howard came back and took a call from a guy who asked if he'd ever do a Fartman appearance on the WWE shows. Howard said that he's offered to do it but he won't do something stupid that he doesn't really want to do. He said that if they're going to pay him to do something, he'll do it.
Howard said they sent out a reporter from one of their affiliate stations in Minnesota to go to this Jesse Ventura press conference but when he went to play the clip, it only came out on one channel so he couldn't play it. Gary said that Scott the Engineer had recorded it and it only recorded on one channel. Howard went off on him a little bit and goofed on his bald head.
Howard asked Gary to get him this interview as soon as he could. Gary said that he was trying but they haven't sent it to him yet.
p*rn star Houston came in with her 18 year old prom date Brad this morning. Howard hooked the two of them up a few weeks ago after Brad asked him to do it. They went to the prom and had a good time, so good that they've hooked up again and are going out on a date today. They're actually spending the whole day together.
Houston came in to the city to dance at Legs Diamond from today until Saturday. She and Brad have been in touch over the phone since their prom date and today Brad may get lucky with her. Houston said she's interested in Brad but not as a boyfriend.
Brad said that Houston calls him her ''Boy Toy'' and he calls her ''Muffin Ass.'' Houston told Howard that she needs to go to a tanning salon today since she's dancing tonight. Then they'll both go jogging in Central Park. Houston has to work from 6pm until 1:30am or so then she'll head back to the hotel and spend the night with Brad.
Brad brought an overnight bag but said he needs to get condoms. Houston also wants to get a new tattoo and Brad was thinking of doing that but his mommy won't let him do it. He's half Jewish so it's forbidden. His mother called in at one point just to make sure he doesn't go out and do it today. Houston assured her that she wouldn't let him do it. We also found out that Brad didn't graduate this year because he failed out of English class! He thinks that it had something to do with his prom date with Houston. He has to suffer through summer school this year. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that.
Comedian Chris Rock came in to promote his new album ''Bigger & Blacker'' this morning. As soon as Chris came in he was telling Howard how cool it was for Brad to have the date with Houston. They spent a short time talking about that date.
Howard and Chris were also talking about Snoop Dogg's recent appearance. Chris said that was the best show he's heard. He said that appearance was better than any of Snoop's albums. Chris said that Howard's next movie should be based around that show.
Howard soon moved on to Chris' marriage. Howard has heard that Chris and his wife had separated and were divorcing. Chris said that he's still married and there's no problem at all. Howard figured he must be hiding something because he wasn't really saying much about it. Chris denied it all and said everything is fine.
Howard talked to Chris about working on Saturday Night Live. Chris said he knows that Howard would bad mouth him when he was on that show. He wouldn't even say his name, he'd just call him ''that black guy'' when he referred to him.
Howard figured that Chris made a mistake getting married but Chris said he wasn't going to say that, his wife was probably listening. Howard said she's probably sleeping and wouldn't hear it but Chris didn't go there.
Howard also spoke to Chris about his new album and HBO special which, according to Howard, is really funny. Howard has been playing clips of Chris' album on the show lately and it is pretty funny stuff. Chris also said that he'll be hosting the MTV Video Music Awards on September 9.
Howard mentioned that Larry King called him the other day asking him to come on to talk about Dr. Sarno, who helped him with his back pain. He's not sure if he wants to do that show though. Chris said he got a call from Larry too. That led to the guys talking about Bob Dole being on Larry's show talking about his problems getting it up.
Howard took a lot of phone calls for Chris during the interview and there were some goofy calls for him. One caller pointed out that the mayor of Chris' home town in Georgia refused to give Chris the key to the city because his act was too dirty. The caller then went on to say that he heard the mayor ''didn't want to give the key to a nig*er because he was afraid he'd steal everything.'' Chris sounded stunned by the call.
At one point a woman claiming to be Chris' wife called in. The funny thing was that Chris wasn't sure whether or not it was her! He didn't recognize the voice as being hers but he didn't say that it wasn't her. The woman yelled at Robin for some reason then started listening to her own radio and eventually hung up. Through the call Chris wondered if it really was her. Howard was surprised that Chris doesn't even know his wife's own voice.
Howard had some notes on Chris and picked up on one thing about how Chris likes doing Jay Leno's show better than Letterman. Howard agreed with this and said that Letterman makes him feel like he's doing something wrong during the appearance where Jay Leno tends to kiss your ass. Chris said he felt the exact same way. He said that Leno makes him feel like he's a star but Letterman doesn't.
Chris' phone rang during the interview so he picked up thinking it was his wife but no one was there. Howard and Chris also talked about Adam Sandler. Howard thinks that his movies are awful and he's not sure why they make money. He said that he was funny on Chris' comedy special one time though.
Howard took some more phone calls and let a bunch of guys ask Chris some questions. One guy asked who Chris' favorite hip-hop star was. Howard didn't let him answer, he hung up on the guy saying no one cared. Chris and Howard also talked a little bit about the HBO shows ''The Sopranos'' and ''Oz.'' they both like both of those shows.
Howard asked Chris about talking to Bill Cosby who called him once to talk to him about his stand-up act. He called him to yell at him about his act being too dirty. Ralph called in and complained about Chris a little bit so Howard hung up on him. Howard took a few more calls and let a couple more guys go off on Chris.
Chris and Howard talked about Rick Rubin and Ratso Slomin for a short time as well. They had some odd stories to tell about the two of them. Howard wrapped up the interview a short time later.
After the break Howard came back singing along to some Led Zeppelin. After that actor Stephen Baldwin called in to promote his mother's golf tournament. He was calling in from the set of the Flintstones movie he was working on. Robin said she ran across some movie that he was in that was on TV and was surprised to see him in it. She said it's almost a p*rn film. Stephen said that it was one of his earlier works, he doesn't do stuff like that now.
Howard asked Stephen why his brother Alec never calls in. Stephen is the one who makes the calls all the time and he's not the most famous of the brothers. Howard then told Stephen that it looks like Alec's gained a lot of weight lately. Stephen kept saying that he hasn't seen him lately and doesn't know about his weight. Since the golf tournament is a charity event for breast cancer Howard said that Alec should be careful because he has breasts now after gaining so much weight.
After goofing on Alec a little bit Howard told Stephen that he read that his brother Billy and his wife are expecting a baby. Stephen was surprised and wondered how Howard found out. He said that he thought they were keeping it a secret pretty well. Howard then said that he just made that up and Stephen spoiled the secret for his brother himself.
Howard then went on to goof on Alec some more. He told Stephen that Alec could play Fat Bastard in the next Austin Powers movie.
Howard took some calls for Stephen after that. Usually there are a bunch of guys calling in claiming that Stephen is gay but there wasn't any of that today. One guy said that he was at the event last year and did some caddying for Stephen but he didn't tip him. Stephen said that it was a charity event but he'd tip him this year.
Stephen said that he loved the movie ''Eyes Wide Shut'' and went on and on about how great it was. Howard thinks that he's just trying to network himself in Hollywood by saying that though.
Howard let Stephen go and said he forgot to tell him to tell Alec to get himself on a treadmill. He and Robin spent a little more time talking about Billy Baldwin's secret pregnancy and how Stephen wasn't supposed to reveal that on the show. Robin also talked about the movie that she saw Stephen in. They goofed on him a little bit about that before Howard had Robin start her news.
Robin started her news and read through a few stories. One was about a woman who cut her husband's computer cord because he wanted to chat on the internet. Howard said that maybe she should just cut the cord to the marriage instead. That led to Howard talking about having phone sex on the web years ago and how he had to keep one eye on the door and one on the computer while he was doing it.
Robin read through a bunch of news stories and had the guys talking about Tom Cruise and his wacky behavior. They played a bunch of audio clips where Tom is laughing like a kook. They went through a few more stories and ended the show around 10:25am (Master Tape Theatre time).
